Wannabe Wino

As I think I have mentioned, I have been suffering from a terrible case of heartburn. It's been on and off for about 2 weeks and pretty much non-stop for the last week. Not fun. I finally decided to research what I could do to make it go away and I've decided that the solutions definetly don't jive with being an avid wine drinker. The highlights are as follows:

1.) Don't drink any alcohol (including wine and beer, apparently they needed to spell that out in case you thought those two weren't included in the definition of alcohol). This would severly limit my consumption of wine and lead to an even bigger backlog of bottles that need to be consumed. Oh, plus I wouldn't have much to post about then, would I?

2.) No eating or drinking within several hours of going to bed. Well, this would either make me incredibly drunk really fast since I'd have to drink my part of the bottle in record time over dinner (which I would have to eat alone since several hours before bed puts me eating around 6 and Matt isn't home by then) or it would mean I only get a glass from the bottle or I just stop eating and drinking, which while it may help with number 6, might just kill me.

3.) Do not bend over. Exactly how am I supposed to pick up cases of wine if I can't bend over? Which leads me to number 4.

4.) No lifting of heavy objects. See response to number 3.

5.) No exercising. Wine has calories and I drink a lot of it. My life plans do not include weighing 5,000 pounds, which might happen if I keep consuming wine and stop exercising.

6.) Lose weight. Anyone see a problem with this one when combined with number 5? Yeah, I thought so.

I thought of more this morning:

7.) Take antacids. There is no wine that pairs well with Tums. While we may sometimes taste chalk in our wines, I really don't think anyone suggests actually eating chalk. Especially with wine. Seriously, have you ever had these things?

8.) Don't wear fitted waist clothes. Apparently any pressure on your waist area increases heartburn. Somehow, I think I might get fired if I showed up to work in sweatpants or sans clothes and then I wouldn't have any money with which to buy wine.